|
|
|
My story actually begins on September 11, 2001. On that day I happen to have missed my regular train, took the PATH train instead, and ended up in the World Trade Center. I was most fortunate to be in the levels below ground as my arrival was minutes after the first plane hit. In the confusion I found myself just outside the south tower, on the main plaza, when the second plane hit. Again, because of where I was, I was never in harms way. That day however marked the beginning of a series of experiences and personal changes that would bring me to do the IronGirl triathlon. Witnessing and living through 9/11 solidified a desire in me to make the life changes I had ambiguously contemplated up till then. It took two years to execute the first major step; in 2003, impelled by the realization that life is short, I moved to Philadelphia with my daughter. I had planned to marry my long time significant other and began a career change from corporate America to education. Shortly after I moved the relationship very suddenly ended and I found myself a single mother alone in a strange city, with no friendships and with a very unfamiliar & demanding job. However, since my daughter had moved so many times I promised her I would stay put till she finished high school. It was a difficult time – financially and emotionally – as a result I experienced a serious depression for several months. By the end of 2004 I had recovered my spirit and began to look towards the future optimistically once again. Then, in February 2005, I was involved in a serious car accident which left me with a traumatic brain injury. Although it was classified as ‘mild’ and I was ‘high functioning’ it had a huge impact on my life and my cognitive skills. Initially I lost much of my balance; even walking was a challenge, especially if there was a lot of activity around me (I tipped over more than once). I also had trouble with speech, naming things and finishing sentences. Much of this was due to significant memory problems. My short term memory was so bad that I could not read a book; I couldn’t recall sentences I had just read. I struggled to maintain conversations since I could not keep track of the conversational threads. I also had a number of sensory problems, I was easily overwhelmed by too much auditory stimuli. Initially I could not do even basic math in my head (and I used to be very very good at math). I lost many of my visualization skills and went from someone with a very high energy level to someone who could not get through the day without a nap. I was in physical and cognitive therapy for many months and was unable to work until fairly recently. After a year I lost my job. I had always been very physically active and had been a runner for years – once I was well enough physically I had started to run again thinking it would help me heal. I believe it did – but soon discovered that one of the problems I had was that I could not remember the streets I ran on and so I got lost almost every time I went out. I had to carry a cell phone to call someone to tell me how to get home – even when less than ½ mile away. With the tremendous support of my family and my daughter and the miraculous help of a few people who I came to know I recovered much functionality. My memory is significantly better, I can maintain trains of thought, I recently have begun to be able to read books again and have in general recovered many the kinds of functions which we do not even know we have until we lose them. The injury was particularly frustrating because the damage was not visible and was not always immediately apparent. It was difficult for me to admit that I was struggling in any way since I didn’t want to have to explain about the accident. It took a long time to learn when to ask for help. In the late spring of 2006 my recovery had plateau-ed and I needed some immediate goals. While I had begun to feel more like myself again I had come to accept that some things would never be the same. I was truly happy however to have as much of ‘me’ back as I did because only a few months before I had doubted that I would ever feel whole again. Yet there remained both residual effects and a great sense of loss. I had some lingering physical problems from the accident which included a weak left ankle and problems turning my neck. Running all the time was hurting my ankle a great deal. Concerned that I would exacerbate the damage I decided to try biking mixed in with the running. I had an old, old gearless bike (a Toys R Us special) that was a long time ago Mother’s Day gift from my daughter. I dusted and de-rusted it and took it out for a spin. I was enjoying the riding, and being outdoors but I didn’t attempt much in the way of speed or distance. For me, working on balance was my first crucial step. Shortly after I started riding I came upon an ad for the Philadelphia Independence Sprint Triathlon. Hmmm, I thought, I was running and biking and I wanted a goal. I decided that a triathlon was just what I needed; all I had to do was add some swimming. Since I had always loved the water I figured this would be no problem, even though a friend had suggested that a half a mile was longer than I suspected. My neck injury did present a limitation but I asked for and received an accommodation to use a mask and snorkel. I went down to the ‘Y’ and began to practice. Even with the mask and snorkel I quickly realized it would take some intense practice. To be fit from running was one thing, but swimming and biking demanded learning some new skills. I started to do hill work on the bike and came to another realization, I needed a bike with gears. A friend of mine offered to loan me his mountain bike. Since I had never used gears I had to practice that as well. My final challenge was to ride for 20 miles, initially without the aid of biking shorts (this resulted in sitting on a pillow for a few days). I had less than a month to train and so my workouts became a daily activity. I did the Philly triathlon on July 30th and I was able to finish it – though it was admittedly very hard. Each leg brought unexpected challenges and taught me a great deal about myself, particularly the swim. Despite thinking myself in good physical shape I almost did not complete it. While I was in training for the Philly Tri I saw an ad for IronGirl. For many years I had run the ‘Race for the Cure’ and I found this largely women’s race very uplifting. I wasn’t certain I would be strong enough for the Philly Tri so I signed up for the IronGirl thinking that if I failed to finish one I had a better chance with the other. The all women aspect appealed to me and the IronGirl was a little tougher race. Might as well set another goal. But there was an even greater reason for wanting to do the IronGirl. The previous March my dearest friend in the world died after a long battle with cancer leaving me with a huge hole in my heart. Her indomitable spirit taught me a lot about determination, fighting back and the joy of life. I also had another friend with whom I had just re-united after a 12 year absence who had faced her own battle with serious illness. She too represented the same inner strength. During the past year I was fortunate that yet a third influential woman swept into my life helping me with many of the things I still could not do. In addition to these formidable ladies my 80 year old mother was just amazing, putting aside her own problems to help me and always believing in me. Last, but certainly not least, my daughter played her own significant role in keeping my spirit going. She has always been my north star through all these years, even in the hardest of times. She was and is simply the best. The IronGirl represented to me of all these wonderful, inspirational, beautiful women who had battled and survived and fought, who believed and held on, who put aside their troubles to help me, who had valued the joy of life and gave so much of themselves and their love. In honor of them, in honor of that kind of attitude, I knew I had to do the IronGirl. To inspire me on the long bike rides I taped to the handlebars of my bike all of their pictures; my friends Barbara and Sally, my dearest Jill who defined the very word fortitude, my wonderful mother Elizabeth and the light of my life, my daughter Victoria. In all of the pictures they are laughing and when the hills had me struggling or the seat got too hard I would look at them and know how much love and strength they have and I would pedal harder. There was no question that they were there for me during the Philly Triathlon but I knew they deserved to do the IronGirl as well. The training required a lot of discipline – in order to be available to my daughter and to have the time during the day to dedicate to finding work I had to train very early and in the evening. I frequently wanted to do anything but train! I will say however that I slept better than I had in years! Even after doing the Philly triathlon when I looked at the IronGirl course I recognized it would present a unique set of challenges for me – both physical and mental. I also knew it was important for me to face them; I had come to see that how we deal with life is the same in work, at home and in play. As I prepared for and participated in both the Philly race and the IronGirl I discovered in myself what I brought to life’s situations. I learned about those parts of me that held me back and equally the strengths that I had to help me conquer and move forward. I learned that being strong requires both mind and body. I learned that there are no obstacles. When you face the challenges of a triathlon you very clearly discover these aspects of yourself. For me, the swimming leg of IronGirl was my greatest fear, especially because I had had a hard time during the Philly triathlon. I knew that managing my fears, keeping calm and focused and believing in my own ability (because I knew I had done the training) were key. Those same skills are important in everything we do. How many times have we held ourselves back because of fear? How many times did we capitulate to doubt because we saw catastrophe instead of opportunity? During a triathlon once you are in the water you quickly realize that you have two choices, overcome your fears or quit. The most extraordinary moment comes upon you when you realize you CAN do it. As I dealt with my inner and outer issues I came to feel stronger not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I felt that my own recovery had taken another step forward which I attributed to the focus of training and the accomplishment of these kinds of goals. One also comes to understand that as vital as it is to prepare oneself and to train we cannot account for or manage everything that may get in our way. In those moments during the race, when you are faced with a novel situation, a clear and strong mind is your greatest ally. Yet, as I said, the IronGirl really wasn’t about me or my recovery, per se. I consider myself a most fortunate person. I get up grateful every day (well, okay, most days). When I look around at the women (and men) who have fought and continue to fight much greater battles than I have ever known I am humbled. I tell my story because, if it could help anyone – whether they suffer a physical illness, a mental illness, a trauma or even self-doubt in life – if this helps anyone believe in themselves, to know that they can do amazing things then it is worth the telling. When I mentioned to a friend that I would never have believed I could do an IronGirl 18 months ago he laughed and said, I wouldn’t have believed you could do it six months ago. It’s certainly true – for example I have difficulty walking in a crowd without losing my balance – in the IronGirl I faced 1800 women! Even that aspect required training for me, learning techniques to deal with the problem rather than succumbing to it. As I look back I know that I like myself and my life, differently but powerfully, once again. While much of this has to do with the training I did, the spirit I encountered in IronGirl and the wonderful sense of empowerment that permeated the atmosphere was equally important. I was very nervous about the IronGirl. Both the swim and the bike required stamina and focus. While I knew that I could muster up the stamina I wondered about the focus. It required that I let go of my self-imposed mental limitations which are not always easy to see. Yet I also knew that I had to acknowledge my physical limitations – while recognizing them not as a lack of ability but only data points to consider. When we swam in the lake there was an abundance of sea grass at one point. The sensation was uncomfortable, the grass got in your suit and your face and felt ‘creepy’ as it brushed by you – and there was a lot of it. But the fact was that it was simply sea grass, it was not harmful or painful, just a part of the swim. If you put your mind to it, one could actually (almost) convince oneself that it was enjoyable. So, instead of worry, I tried to put my energy into training. I was determined to do the best that I could and not judge myself by the race. I alone knew whether I was making an effort or being indifferent. Further I allowed myself some days of indifference, so long as I came back at it. Belief in yourself does not begin or end with the finish line. One of the joys of a triathlon is you don’t have to place to win. If you are committed in your heart just doing the IronGirl makes you an IronGirl. It’s the first step – but you have to come back the next year and do it again. The day you finish you will know that you have indeed won the race, at least this one. Finish or not I hope all the women who ran the race experienced the moment of the race and didn’t worry about how they did. That doesn’t mean to not compete, or to not try to finish or do better, that is part of the challenge. It does mean however that when you are in that race, when you take a deep breath during the swim to surge to the finish, or feel the power of your legs uphill during the bike or the strong beat of your heart as the run nears you to the finish line, that you savor those sensations not as painful or a struggle but rather as the wonderful accomplishments and gifts that they are. Whenever one races one should remember – ‘What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us’. (Emerson).
|
